Tag Archives: grief

How to level out the hills and valleys of grief

27 Tuesday Mar 2018

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You’ve read the phrase ‘Grieving is a process. Grieving is not an event’, in previous posts. It often helps to apply these phrases to life events. Major decisions, regardless of age or status can cause grief. They can generate changes in one’s life that have a domino effect – something changes which causes another change and so on. It can continue until it feels like being on a roller coaster.

Age can often bring this to happen in people’s life. Perhaps sickness, and then a change of residence, which might bring another change of location where more assistance is available. Sometimes this is almost too much to accept. Added to this is the automatic response of continuous downsizing, which again cause a huge grief response.

It is helpful to recognize and define what’s going on in your life. Grief comes naturally when we give ourselves permission. It is not always easy to define what is happening, we only know we feel caught in a constant downward shift of loss. It helps if we can trust ourselves to walk in this new state into which we are thrust. Consider our friends and acquaintances and decide which are in a position to help. Draw on family resources when appropriate. Read devotional material that brings you onto holy ground. You can probably add more resources as you journal through this difficult time.

Take a few moments and write some of your thoughts in your favourite place, so you can come and add to them at another time.

 

 

Accumulative Grief Weights Heavy

25 Thursday Jan 2018

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Grief is itself a medicine.  ~William Cowper, Charity.

No, grief is not an illness, but it can become a condition. It is not an illness that you can take a pill, but it is a medicine that is healing. A medicine for the heart and soul and yes, even the physical body. The heart we know, and even the physical we are well acquainted. But what about the soul as we consider the will, intellect and emotion. You’ve heard people say, “God rest his soul”. What a gift in the form of grief as we live day-to-day.

You have most likely come to this site because you have a broken heart, or you know someone who is grieving. This is probably the result of the death of a significant person, or an identified loss of another nature in life. We can develop skills that correspond with or reflect emotion, attitude and feelings in a healthy way. This is heart language too. All too easy logic, the language of the mind, will attempt to rule. However, it is important to understand the process as well.

Grief we are experiencing at this time can be increased and intensified by unresolved grief from the past. Christmas can often trigger this as we see the empty chair at the table or experience another crisis. Sometimes we think we are dealing only with the most immediate grief when in fact these feelings are reminding us of people and situations where grief still lies unresolved. It is not always easy to identify accumulative grief – sometimes the image of grapes help. Grief can give you a heavy heart which makes the dull and dreary days of winter seem worse. Some people find February in the northern hemisphere trigger their depression because of lack of sun, grief can become severe.

Begin or continue to work on your grieving process – it may also free up depression, migraines, and stress related conditions. Pray, eat well and delight in your relationships.

Journal your thoughts – you might make important discoveries about your health. 

 

My thoughts for today,

The Rev. Dr. D.

Missing You!

20 Tuesday Jun 2017

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Losing you is like losing me

Whole pieces of me are gone . . . I know not where

I’m not sure who I am

or if I can ever be who I was.

I was your wife, your confidant, your comforter,

your encourager, your lover . . . 

It is as if my heart is gone.

It beats and I function but . . . 

I wonder why sometimes.

When I’ve finished work or made a difficult trip

There is noone to call and say, “I’m O.K.”

or

“I’m on my way home.”

There is noone to tell me I look great

when I get dressed.

Noone to look for when I am playing the piano at church

No distinctive laugh to listen for when I’m in a 

crowd or entering a church function

Noone to touch when I wake up during the night

Noone to wait supper for.

Noone to fill this aching void I feel 

in the pit of my stomach.

Will this ever change?

Submitted by Muriel Lush: ‘in memory of my husband’ (2008)

 

 

Healing Tears

12 Friday Aug 2016

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“Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her face, making the sleeve of John’s shirt wet. She wasn’t crying, not really. She was too numb to cry or feel or react. Rather her body was grieving all on its now, the tears leaking from her eyes without any weeping or sobbing or emotions” (REUNION: Karen Kingsbury, p. 204).

This insert comes from a novel. But, wait you say, novels are fiction so the above is not true. You might even test it and challenge it by saying, it’s the kind of statement I’d find it in a non-fiction book. But, then consider the old clichés, “Fiction is truer than history,” or fact, or truth and yes, even non-fiction.

I just returned from a holiday, and as usual I took many books with me. Because I write about grief and support families and individuals in their grief process, I find it interesting how an author unpacks his or her plot when someone dies in the story. In Reunion, a family grieves the death of a mother, grandmother, wife and friend, and Mom joins in the grieving process. It is raw honesty. Believable and healing.

And why not, when the dying is suffering the greatest loss. Her life. It is natural and normal for family to gather around their loved ones and cry openly. It is a good death when the dying joins in this last family time together. An invisible bond of trust, love and safety connects them.

Take a few moments and write in your journal, or sketch a picture. Trust to paper what comes to your mind

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Grief’s Hold

16 Monday May 2016

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A few thoughts about journalling: Write down your thoughts – all at once they are real. Once they are written, they do not have the same hold of you.

“Grief waits to be explored, examined and opened. Sometimes I feel that I am encased within grief’s grip, trying to breathe deeply, yet nothing moves expands or moves.”

“Sometimes I want to stretch and groan, and then I want to hide, be silent and close my eyes.”
Monarch_Butterfly_Cocoon_6708“Grief paralyzes, immobilizes, scrutinizes and . . . ”

“When the lights are bright around me, I want to turn my back.”

“At times, I wonder if everyone knows how I feel, how much I hurt or if I want to be heard.”

“Echoes of laughter, whispers and yawns vibrate in my thoughts.”

“And then I am free. That which gripped, no longer has a hold. It is in the past.”

This is an butterfly1example of importance of journalling, or in this case, scribbling. When healing and recovery has taken place, it’s difficult to remember these dark days. I am thankful for grief recovery. It’s such hard work, but so important to do.

“There is no greater gift than to be lifted from grief’s hold and set free.”                                                                          1970’s/Dec 2000

Notepad_iconIt is a process for the butterfly. It’s natural, necessary and normal. So it is with grief. Jot down a few thoughts about your process toward grief recovery.

 

 

 

 

 

Listening is an art!

14 Thursday Apr 2016

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trellisSometimes listening to someone’s pain and disappointment is like entering a narrow path. Regardless of our age, station in life, locality or education, we grieve. And we meet others daily who are trying to put a loss to rest. It is always a challenge to stay in their space to help them further the topic or issue they bring to light in your presence. It would be much easier to say, “Count your blessings for what you’ve had” or “There will be something good come out of this new direction for you.” That may be true and maybe the person won’t have to wait long to see it. However, that doesn’t replace what is gone. Should it rescue the person from his or her pain, it could cause another degree of grief from leaving it unatteneded. Though thought to be helpful, it may not prove to be over time.

Recently I had opportunity to respond to a friend’s email where she was lamenting she wouldn’t be able to travel. It’s not an easy task to enter into someone’s disappointment and emotional pain, but it’s totally necessary. How much easier it would be to say, “Oh come now, think of all the good times you’ve had. That’ll be enough to keep you going for a while.” That might be easier, but it would give the impression of unwillingness to share her space.  When you’ve been such a traveller, making plans from your own decisions, it’s not a laughing matter to have to say ‘I’m done’. It’s one thing to decide not to do something yourself, but when somebody else says ‘you can’t do it’, it’s quite different. One not only grieves the loss of opportunity, but also the chance to make a decision.

Notepad_iconThink about times where you’ve shared a loss and someone has taken you off on a grand tour of thoughts that didn’t reflect your experience in any way. What would you have liked them to say? Jotting some thoughts down today will prepare you to look for a particular response the next time you risk sharing some pain with someone.

I hope you find peace as you travel life’s road.

Donna

Christmas: A Difficult Season for Those Who Grieve

11 Monday Jan 2016

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It’s over – it’s done – and you did the best you could, considering circumstances of grief, old haunting memories and unending scripts of useless words. But, then there were rewards: helpful phrases with gentle smiles, as well as stories that stirred healing memories and you knew you were holding your own.

A little like big turkey dinners, “What do we do with the left-overs?” Those feelings and emotions that just don’t want to settle, but keep turning over, stirring and scraping. And are they helpful or do they hinder the healing we continue to need? Consider this –

body mind soul

“A psychosomatic disorder is a disease which involves both mind and body. Some physical dseases are thought to be particularly prone to be made worse by mental factors such as stress and anxiety. Your current mental state can affect how bad a physical disease is at any given time” (Medical Internet).


Grief is a natural and normal process that can cause stress and anxiety, worry and fatigue. This is bound to take a whack at our body and physical stamina, yet it’s healthy. Is this something like giving someone a glass of water and saying, “This is good for you, but it might make you feel down.” Even though we might see shades of truth in this, it doesn’t have the last word. The body gives us those wonderful endorphins to help us through crisis times and then the body and soul digs up the resources to sustain our valleys.

We are stronger than we give ourselves credit. We have the necessary fortitude we need. Sometimes difficulties in our life smothers it. It is then we tell ourselves and others, we do have what it takes, what is necessary, even if we have to dig very deep to touch it, bring it forward and exercise it. It will be there waiting.

Google the following song and read the lyrics. A friend of Grieve and Grow recently referred me to it:

“Fight Song” by Rachel Platten – Chorus goes like this:

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

“`

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Take a few moments and add your thoughts to your journal

The elephant in the room

01 Saturday Aug 2015

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This is not a new poem.  I have found it helpful many times. I hope you will as well.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

~ Terry Kettering

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Through Time (June)

15 Wednesday Jul 2015

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Grief is like a jagged rock that you bury deep in your pocket, Its sharp edges forcing you to take it out and examine it from time to time. Even when you don’t want to, and when it is too heavy to carry, you must ask a friend to hold it so you can rest. As time passes it is a little easier to take the rock out of your pocket. It doesn’t seem to weigh as much. Now you show it to a circle of friends and, occasionally, even a stranger. One day you pull out the rock and surprisingly, it doesn’t even hurt. For the edges are no longer jagged, but smoothed out by time, touch and tears. (Author unknown)

 

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Comfort and peace surpass logical reasoning (June)

15 Wednesday Jul 2015

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June, 2015

2015-05-28 06.06.59This week, we parked on the shores of a Lake on Manitoulan Island. Sunsets and sunrises graced the horizon. Early one morning, I saw a deer walk slowly and carefully across the wet soil. Yet, as I look closely, I ask, “Are those tire marks or remnants of the water’s response to the wind on last night’s waves. I didn’t really try to figure this out? And did it matter? As I look at the picture, I think maybe the deer is stealthily walking a labyrinth, even while keeping a close watch on anything that moves. I smile at my assumption. Maybe the facts aren’t important at all. It just might be that the feeling of peace and comfort I gained during this particular sunrise is the first step to see what is actually happening. (Picture ©2015 Lonely fawn)

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