Every experience of grief is worthy of journalling your feelings. Facts and emotions are too easily forgotten. When this happens they lose their significance and heartfelt meaning. A paragraph or two will cause a flood of memories to flow that were once emerged into daily living. You may never do anything more with your memories than jot a few notes and over time, add a few more points of reality and sentiments. You might not feel called upon to act on those impressions. But then again, if you decide to send a letter or a card to someone connected to your experience, that’s a bonus. You might bring some sunshine into another’s life.

On May 17th, 2016, I received an email from Glynis Belec of Angel Hope Publishing inviting me to become part of a team she was building to write stories, poems, etc about grief. It didn’t take me long to accept her invitation. The team formed with five other writers along with our publisher. Although the stories were not always easy to recall and to write, I am privileged to see them within the covers of Good Grief People.,  Ten months later, on March 10th, 2017 we sat in Tim Horton’s excited to hold the book in our hands.

Good Grief People is a work of love, acknowledging our lives with others and sharing our loss. It validates how much we cared for people as well as our desire to know them in life and in their dying. It is a message of confidence that remembering, writing and sharing is important to keep our loved ones close to our heart. It is an invitation for those who read the stories to think about people they’ve loved. This invitation stretches us to write those memories down on black and white in letters, journals, blogs, emails and scribbles on whatever is handy.

If this blog reminds you of an experience of being with someone in their last days, take a few moments and write it in your journal. Six months from now when you reread it, you’ll be glad you did it. Visit http://www.donnamann.org for grief selections and other material.

Often we skip a period of mourning and focus on grief. Mourning time is a valued space after personal loss – sometimes lasting longer than expected. Have a look at what Merriam Webster dictionary says about mourning:

• 1
: the act of sorrowing mourning for her dead husband.>

2a :  an outward sign (as black clothes or an armband) of grief for a person’s death mourning — Arnold Bennett>

2b :  a period of time during which signs of grief are shown mourning, resume their ordinary dress>

My aunt wouldn’t take part in a family birthday party because she said she was ‘still in mourning’. This is honoured behaviour although we don’t often hear the word mourning.

I remember when my grandfather died, my dad put on a dark shirt. His suit was navy. As a teenager, I knew about colour coordination and mentioned he should wear another colour of shirt. All he said was, “This is proper”.

In my genealogy studies I often see pictures of black wreaths on front doors and black crepe paper used in decorating the house according to a family’s mourning traditions. It was not unusual in past eras to wear a black armband for a short period. This is not practiced now in local cultures, but other actions signify grieving and the need to have time alone.

After my father’s death, I remember thinking it wasn’t respectful to do certain activities in the same week. There used to be a definite three-day waiting period to observe a death in the family. This too has changed over the years. Families take responsibility for these decisions.

Mourning is a good word as is grief. Consider Elizabeth Gilbert’s use of these words:

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing…”― Elizabeth Gilbert (Goodreads)

Write a few thoughts about your pattern of mourning and grief.

In Canada, we are beginning a rather furious winter. We didn’t have much snow until a couple of days ago, and now we have road closures and blizzard conditions. However, most of us have put snow tires on our car, checked our supply of windshield washer and purchased an extra pair of warm mitts. We are prepared.

Some may love winter for sports and other interests. Some don’t like winter for many reasons. However, the earth in this area is very thirsty after a long dry summer. And we know that spring will come in all its glory. So I suppose we will find ways to endure the winter months.

Grief is sometimes like that. When I wrote WinterGrief, I compared nature’s seasons to the nature of grief. Yes, some nice comparisons. I’ve attached an old piece of paper where I did some pondering. I hope you enjoy it.

Jot some of your pondering, leave it for a while and then glean the wisdom of your words.

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donnamann.org = for more prose, stories and pictures.

“Grieving is a process. Grieving is not an event. Grieving is not learned. It comes naturally when we give ourselves permission and if we let it take its course.

We cannot always explain, define and understand what is happening to us. We have to trust ourselves that we can naturally respond to the new state into which we are thrust. It is about gaining confidence in our God-given ability to express emotions.

Grief is a state of being, into which we enter caused by painful traumatic dynamics that surround us, or from circumstances out of which we are forced to respond.  Grief creates within us a phenomenon totally outside our everyday common vocabulary. Yet, often without support or companionship, we expect ourselves and others to live within the experience of grief, even when we have no words to define it. There is nothing fair about any of this.

We are called to learn guidelines and definitions that give us tools to speak to our heart and to articulate our journey to ourselves, others and God” (2003 Work sheet for Grieve and Grow course: Dr. D.Mann; Trinity Theological Seminary).

It is at times like this when a friendly voice, or helping hand helps us to trust ourselves, our story and the unpredictable future ahead. After learning and applying the principals of grief, freedom consumes us empowering us to live a new life.

Write some notes in your journal attempting to look at the before and after emotions in your life.

According to BusinessInsider.com, we gain freedom and happiness when we reach the age of seventy-three similar to that which we experienced as a young adult. Investors would agree with the former date, especially if we’ve carefully planned our retirement financially with solid relationships and peace of mind.

Midlife, as shown in the diagram, can often be a time of crash and burn. It can bring tremendous grief. Some parents see adult children making poor life-changing decisions never to be reversed. Sometimes an awareness of those in the family who are addicted to drugs and alcohol surface at this time. Relationships that have been hanging on for years, finally collaspe. Family breakups rearrange generational  pictures from one year to another. Changing jobs, moving from familiar locations and serious medical diagnosis can shatter dreams as the caption below states ‘happiness goes steadily down until age 53’.

Reading that happiness reigns from age seventy-three onward may be hopeful, but not always reality. It is through this range that retirement years can edge on loneliness, heartbreak and sickness. It can also be a time when poor choices are made and consequences dig life into a pit without a ladder. Granted, it would be nice if our early 70’s offer a familiar carefree lifestyle as the coming-of-age status. Perhaps that is our quest.

Grief can take hold in many ways during any of these life stages. Whenever we lose sight or fail to find our footing toward our dream, grief reminds us we have work to do, thoughts to define and focused care to be given. Many people try to take crisis times in their daily stride, adding cliches such as, “It doesn’t rain, but it pours,” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” These phrases can add to the crisis causing excess anxiety and stress which can lead to a multitude of consequences.

Consider the life-line above, recall times of grieving, and explore ways it has affected your understanding of life’s changing events.

This is a perfect opportunity to scribble, doodle, draw or write a few notes as you reflect over your life.