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Seasons of Grief

15 Wednesday Jun 2016

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‘Stages of Grief’ is not a favourite term for some people. Perhaps they fear having to experience them in a particular order. And if they don’t, they might think they’re doing something wrong. I find it helpful to think of manoeuvring my way through stages of grief. Sometimes it’s important to think of a silent dance without music – one step forward and two backwards. This often means you find yourself in a familiar stage while thinking you’d conquered it months ago.WinterGrief cover

I often use the term ‘Faces of Grief’. “I confront and practise them in no particular order. I face them time and again, sometimes together or one at a time. It is like moving through a crowd, identifying the faces I have grown to know so well, admitting the more I know them, the more I understand and am free to trust” (WinterGrief p.23).

I’ve come to appreciate the term ‘Seasons of Grief’. For children’s grief Dr. Donna A. Gaffney identifies several key seasons: the first day after death, services, re-entry to life following crisis; the first year; and significant life events of following years (p. 4). I think these particular times are important for adults as well.

Granted, one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to grief, but these concepts can be helpful. Consider applying the words below to grief:

Winter is a season
Winter ushers in spring
Spring eases in with all its beauty and potential for new life.
Spring leads the way into a new season of expectation and colour. Why?

  • winter has strengthened important root systems
  • winter has provided a cover for bulbs to prepare for spring
  • winter has protected vines tucked into the earth
  • caregivers have weeded destructive roots at significant times

When spring comes in her beauty, winter recedes – not to deny it will return.
Spring comes with assurance that she can develop in due season.

Notepad_iconJot a few notes in your journal

Grief can be your best friend

12 Thursday Nov 2015

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Grief is not a disease. It is not an emotional problem or dysfunction. It is not something to avoid. Grieving is a very normal response to personal loss. It is natural. It is a process. And it is the best medicine when living through loss and tragedy. As we understand this, we realize that we wouldn’t want it any other way. We want to grieve when a loved one dies, simply because we have loved. We want to grief when we leave a beloved home or property because it means a lot to us. We want to grieve when our status in life is not longer the same. When we grieve well, we do not suffer. (donnamann.org grieve grow/WinterGriefWinterGrief cover)

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Consider ways that naming and releasing emotions has been helpful to you during grief.

How to put a grief-escape in place!

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

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July, 2015

Changes in life often cause us pain, insecurity and unpleasant surprises.

Decisions, either by ourselves and/or by others can affect our inner peace, bringing on us deeply ingrained grief. Senior people can be deeply affected by decisions made by the medical profession or family members. But in a senior’s wisdom, he or she can also work through those same decisions, see the positive side, and come out strengthened.

Several years ago, I visited a parishioner whom I will name Mrs. Brown, to learn that her husband had just been taken to the hospital after running a red light and ending up on a lawn across the street. Mrs. Brown was distraught with worry for her beloved’s health, only to find out within a few days that his driving license was revoked and his ability to walk was limited by injuries from the accident.

The doctor gave the diagnosis of a stroke and decided at the time of discharge that the husband had to have daily nursing care. As a consequence of that decision, the family countered with the idea, “Dad should go into the local senior’s rest home to have adequate care.”

Mrs. Brown adjusted to the decisions with considerable regret, only to feel the expectation from others that it would be ‘better for him if she went too’.

Immediately she began to lose confidence in herself, her driving and care of the home, which in turn gave further evidence that perhaps she was unable to continue to live alone in the family home. With one-to-one counselling, she grew emotionally stronger and was able to cope with the many decisions that seemed to fall like dominoes.

She made strong choices and gave good reason why she could continue to live at home, and faithfully support her husband by going to the rest home each afternoon, staying for supper and the odd sleep over in the supplied guest room. The latter allowed them to enjoy breakfast together.21 Promises

Grief adds up. By thinking through the situation logically and prayerfully, Mrs. Brown showed that she was capable of caring for herself in the family home, and lovingly finding ways to spend time with her husband of nearly sixty years during his changes. Even though experiencing new grief from being alone, she had created an important grief-escape from accumulative grief that would have evidently settled on her. Self care in times of grief is crucial.

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Make some notes in your journal – they will be treasures when you return to them.