Category Archives: Grieve and Grow

Grief

Christmas: A Difficult Season for Those Who Grieve

11 Monday Jan 2016

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It’s over – it’s done – and you did the best you could, considering circumstances of grief, old haunting memories and unending scripts of useless words. But, then there were rewards: helpful phrases with gentle smiles, as well as stories that stirred healing memories and you knew you were holding your own.

A little like big turkey dinners, “What do we do with the left-overs?” Those feelings and emotions that just don’t want to settle, but keep turning over, stirring and scraping. And are they helpful or do they hinder the healing we continue to need? Consider this –

body mind soul

“A psychosomatic disorder is a disease which involves both mind and body. Some physical dseases are thought to be particularly prone to be made worse by mental factors such as stress and anxiety. Your current mental state can affect how bad a physical disease is at any given time” (Medical Internet).


Grief is a natural and normal process that can cause stress and anxiety, worry and fatigue. This is bound to take a whack at our body and physical stamina, yet it’s healthy. Is this something like giving someone a glass of water and saying, “This is good for you, but it might make you feel down.” Even though we might see shades of truth in this, it doesn’t have the last word. The body gives us those wonderful endorphins to help us through crisis times and then the body and soul digs up the resources to sustain our valleys.

We are stronger than we give ourselves credit. We have the necessary fortitude we need. Sometimes difficulties in our life smothers it. It is then we tell ourselves and others, we do have what it takes, what is necessary, even if we have to dig very deep to touch it, bring it forward and exercise it. It will be there waiting.

Google the following song and read the lyrics. A friend of Grieve and Grow recently referred me to it:

“Fight Song” by Rachel Platten – Chorus goes like this:

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I’m alright song

My power’s turned on

Starting right now I’ll be strong

I’ll play my fight song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

“`

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Take a few moments and add your thoughts to your journal

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WHAT TO GIVE THIS CHRISTMAS

09 Wednesday Dec 2015

A child looks into his mother’s eyes and asks, “Are we going to have a Christmas tree without Daddy?”

This may be a familiar question to many families this Christmas. It is very tempting when someone dies in the family to change all the traditions in order to avoid familiar customs in the home that bring back painful memories. Granted, there is some truth to this, however, a new void becomes present in the life of the family when certain traditions are changed or eliminated.

It is helpful to evaluate Christmas traditions and see which ones should be repeated, those that could be changed even for this year and those that can be totally discarded.

“Yes, dear,” his mother replied. “We’ll put up the tree and you can put the star on the very top just like you always did. But, let’s not string the cards. Why don’t we decorate a box and put the cards all together so we can look through them.”

For those of you who grieve the loss of a loved one or a significant change in your life, it is not uncommon to wish Christmas was over. You wouldn’t have to hear the song lyrics of joy and merriment every time you enter a mall or coffee shop. You wouldn’t have to face a group of cheery shoppers laden with parcels only to remind you that you have one less person for which to buy. Even that family Christmas dinner that everyone expects you to attend holds the power to expose the empty chair.

How does one get through the holiday season with a broken heart?

gift imagePerhaps that’s where we as friends and family play a significant role in preparing a gift for you. Now is an opportunity for the rest of us to acknowledge that you are hurting and to surround you with love and understanding. We can be (a) present to you – to listen and to care.

We can accept your way of expressing  grief as a natural and normal
step in your grief process. We can educate ourselves about the power of healing, held within the opportunity for you to talk about your loss. We can approach you and inquire how you are. We can acknowledge you don’t need fixing or rescuing.  You are not broken in ways that our solutions or reasons will help.

We can also learn those statements that are comforting and those that are rote and rude. We can bring up your loved one’s name in conversation so you know he or she is not forgotten. We can provide a safe environment within family and friends where you can shed some tears, tell a few stories and laugh. We can understand that you are exhausted and our contact with you needs to be positive and uplifting. We can just be with you – meet you where you are and follow you where you go even into spaces of silence if that is your choice.

We want to contribute to your Christmas this year in ways that strengthen and comfort you. We also might have to learn a few things about the grief process to know what role is helpful to you and what just adds to your pain.

So what can we give you this Christmas? We can give you an important gift, one that is life giving. Maybe one more appreciated than those wrapped in tinsel and gold paper and put under that tree – a gift from the heart.

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(Previously published by Mt Forest Chronicle as Grieve and Grow column)

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Grief can be your best friend

12 Thursday Nov 2015

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Grief is not a disease. It is not an emotional problem or dysfunction. It is not something to avoid. Grieving is a very normal response to personal loss. It is natural. It is a process. And it is the best medicine when living through loss and tragedy. As we understand this, we realize that we wouldn’t want it any other way. We want to grieve when a loved one dies, simply because we have loved. We want to grief when we leave a beloved home or property because it means a lot to us. We want to grieve when our status in life is not longer the same. When we grieve well, we do not suffer. (donnamann.org grieve grow/WinterGriefWinterGrief cover)

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Consider ways that naming and releasing emotions has been helpful to you during grief.

Look for the Goodness in Grief

09 Friday Oct 2015

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During my time as grief counsellor and writing Grieve and Grow newspaper columns, I had opportunity to think about how others work through their grief. Because it is a personal journey and everyone walks it differently, each story is an isolated path leading from one mindset to another. However, I have found within grief groups, there is common ground even in our differentness.

As I can only speak for myself, there are certain understandings that I would never have had a reason to explore without grief. There were emotions that I could take the time to unpack. And in my wanderings, I would never have learned to build bridges to get across, or through the valleys of helplessness and confusion. These bridges were structures of hope. They offered invitations to develop a new sense of courage, tenacity, honesty and willingness to help define a new normal.

Valley_view_from_Stalheim
John C. Raines describes a sojourn of grief as: “Grief is a midwife; it lets the journey continue.” Think about the bridges in your path. Perhaps friends have bridged the valleys for you. Maybe, gifts of writing, painting or caring for others have been the midwife for you. One’s faith can be a gate to take the next step.

 

 

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Dig out what has been helpful for you during this time and take some time to add it to your journal notes.

 

21 Promises

 

Look for this resource in Amazon and Kobo. It is waiting for you.

Remembering

07 Monday Sep 2015

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A Poem Worth Remembering:

Go ahead and mention my child.

The one that died you know.

Don’t worry about making me cry, I’m already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.

I’m hurt when you just keep silent pretending she didn’t exist.

I’d rather you mention my child knowing he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing

I say “pretty good” or “fine”, but healing is something ongoing.

I feel it will take a lifetime.

Author Unknown

I first read this short poem when it was published in the Mount Forest Confederate (June 6, 2000) and have shared it many times since then.

How to put a grief-escape in place!

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

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July, 2015

Changes in life often cause us pain, insecurity and unpleasant surprises.

Decisions, either by ourselves and/or by others can affect our inner peace, bringing on us deeply ingrained grief. Senior people can be deeply affected by decisions made by the medical profession or family members. But in a senior’s wisdom, he or she can also work through those same decisions, see the positive side, and come out strengthened.

Several years ago, I visited a parishioner whom I will name Mrs. Brown, to learn that her husband had just been taken to the hospital after running a red light and ending up on a lawn across the street. Mrs. Brown was distraught with worry for her beloved’s health, only to find out within a few days that his driving license was revoked and his ability to walk was limited by injuries from the accident.

The doctor gave the diagnosis of a stroke and decided at the time of discharge that the husband had to have daily nursing care. As a consequence of that decision, the family countered with the idea, “Dad should go into the local senior’s rest home to have adequate care.”

Mrs. Brown adjusted to the decisions with considerable regret, only to feel the expectation from others that it would be ‘better for him if she went too’.

Immediately she began to lose confidence in herself, her driving and care of the home, which in turn gave further evidence that perhaps she was unable to continue to live alone in the family home. With one-to-one counselling, she grew emotionally stronger and was able to cope with the many decisions that seemed to fall like dominoes.

She made strong choices and gave good reason why she could continue to live at home, and faithfully support her husband by going to the rest home each afternoon, staying for supper and the odd sleep over in the supplied guest room. The latter allowed them to enjoy breakfast together.21 Promises

Grief adds up. By thinking through the situation logically and prayerfully, Mrs. Brown showed that she was capable of caring for herself in the family home, and lovingly finding ways to spend time with her husband of nearly sixty years during his changes. Even though experiencing new grief from being alone, she had created an important grief-escape from accumulative grief that would have evidently settled on her. Self care in times of grief is crucial.

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Make some notes in your journal – they will be treasures when you return to them.

The elephant in the room

01 Saturday Aug 2015

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This is not a new poem.  I have found it helpful many times. I hope you will as well.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

~ Terry Kettering

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There’s a light at the end of the tunnel . . . and it isn’t a train

01 Saturday Aug 2015

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June, 2015

Tonight I watch a caterpillar crawl on the slippery exterior of our metal camper. It reminds me of the many little creatures our boys used to call Harry and I find myself thinking, “Harry, you are a pretty one.” From a wisp of wind to a gentle breeze, which at times causes its small body to hunch, it continues its journey. Working diligently to keep a grip, even though the wind shows no mercy, it appears to move a little off tract, but quickly regains its direction. I suspect it is heading toward the leafy branches brushing the camper.2014-09-03 19.28.50

This caterpillar will have a different kind of journey to become a butterfly, yet as he perseveres, it will accomplish it. The world will know its diligence even though nature has provided the process as sure as the sun comes to us in the morning to penetrate the darkness of night.

I thought how much this is like a griever’s life. How one manages to hang on daily with a certain degree of instability as the winds of grief threaten his or her secure hold, is sometimes beyond our understanding. And yet as we move, sometimes trembling and wavering in the process, we are on the way to change and beauty.

Some would credit a loving God, while others say the logic of understanding the situation grounds them in hope. Children look to parents or caregivers to hear the truth of the situation. Some seniors’ might hold tightly to their wisdom to gain peace. There are those who would use over-used one-liners to present some kind of solution. The griever, working the process of grieving, might say there may be no answer because they have yet to discover the true question.

The caterpillar shows us that it all happens in the journey.

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Through Time (June)

15 Wednesday Jul 2015

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Grief is like a jagged rock that you bury deep in your pocket, Its sharp edges forcing you to take it out and examine it from time to time. Even when you don’t want to, and when it is too heavy to carry, you must ask a friend to hold it so you can rest. As time passes it is a little easier to take the rock out of your pocket. It doesn’t seem to weigh as much. Now you show it to a circle of friends and, occasionally, even a stranger. One day you pull out the rock and surprisingly, it doesn’t even hurt. For the edges are no longer jagged, but smoothed out by time, touch and tears. (Author unknown)

 

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