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Grief and Christmas

17 Monday Dec 2018

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I looked at some old pictures today. My mom and dad were in them. In many ways, it seemed like I turned the hands of the clock backward. Thoughts began to form in my mind. Laughter and favourite sayings brought a smile to my face. Special celebrations marched before me in my memory. This wasn’t always the way, as I remember when I had difficulty looking at pictures, and I recall thinking for a long time that it would have been special to have had my parents longer.

This morning I wrote an email to a friend whose mother died a short time ago. Even though we come close again to remembering our own emotionally painful time when we do this, it is still good to find a way to care for others.  Especially at Christmas when we want every chair to be filled, we are aware that one or more precious people may no longer be with us.

Some of the words I wrote are: “These are significant days with special memories. It’s a painful period of letting go a little bit at a time, as your mind, soul and heart release grief. And at Christmas, when we are used to gathering our friends and family together, we resist letting go of a loved one’s presence. 

And that struggle to keep close and to let go is heartbreaking, and it robs energy day after day. You have the year of firsts ahead of you and in many ways similar to your father, you will make your path through in your own way.

Suffering through his death not so long ago and now your mom . . . leaves insurmountable grief to unpack a little at a time. You will do it in your own process. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

You will easily see that death is the grief for this individual, however, there are many other situations in one’s life that cause deep sorrow: divorce, estranged relations with family, a missing loved one or friend, articles, keepsakes, a limb, poverty and many more.

Perhaps during this Christmas season, you could write a note to someone who is grieving. Maybe your love and compassion will help to ease their pain.

If this blog has brought back some memories, perhaps you can jot them down in your journal to recall at another time.

Mixing Joy and Grief

29 Friday Jun 2018

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When thinking that one definition of grief is ‘nowhere to place one’s love’, then I think today’s blog title fits. Mixing grief in what was, while acknowledging joy with what is — offers a common familiarity for many of us.

Recently I decided to organize my pictures. As I went through photographs from baby books to Sunday school picnics to sport’s schedule, in the midst of what seemed like ton’s of family photos, I became aware of seasons of life experiences.

It was enjoyable holding these pictures, thinking about the settings, and looking at everyone’s expressions. When I saw people playing musical instruments, I could hear a song in my head. When I looked at ball fields and hockey rinks, I could hear the excitement of the fans in my memory, cheering the team on. While admiring yearly school pictures of our four children, names of favourite teachers also came to mind. Even looking at pictures of our deceased child  (1972) brought happy memories of the fun we shared together as a family for a short time.

So there’s nothing in any of these pictures that would give me new grief, for in each picture I found excitement for life, anticipation in the situation and a sense of all is well. What stirred my tears and quickened my heartbeat was to look into the eyes of my five children, so innocent, dependant and filled with anticipation for life.

As a parent, I always wonder, self examine my parenting skills and think when I’m going through pictures. We began our family young in the late 50s without much money to spare. It was a blessing to realize the trust our children placed in us. We openly responded with unconditional love. With two sets of grandparents, three great grandparents, and lots of cousins, aunts and uncles for the children, love was abundant.

When I look into their eyes as babies, children, teenagers and adults – through the lens of family life, school pictures, music, church and sports, it seems life spun quickly through the years. So for me, the grief is only stirred in my pictures when I recognize the yearning to hold those babies again, while checking parental skills and recognizing that was a season . . . and this is a new one.

Take a few moments to think what was and what is now, what is ongoing in different ways, and what is gone forever, and then seek to find your peace within it.

The Positive Side of Return

16 Saturday Dec 2017

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Yesterday my friend said, “I could never go back to our old home. It would just hurt so much. I didn’t want to move.” This is probably the absolute truth for her. While for another person, the trip back to previous properties might be the healing balm. For some, it hurts so much to go back. Maybe it’s because down deep we wish we were still there, that life had not moved on and the predictable upcoming season would not unfold. Perhaps the newly generated pain reinforces the always present love. For some, it is only possible to return in the good memories. And for them, it is the right thing to do. However one does it, it takes courage to return.

My friend, Sheila says, “I had no idea how painful it would be to go through the LTC memorial service tonight. Some parts were meaningful and others not so, but to be in a place where I had been with Carl so often, feeling his absence, was so so hard. A man from his dining room table sat beside me, not remembering me and likely not Carl either, but comforting and a little less alone to have him there. I left a carnation for Carl and brought one home “from him”. Cried a lot. Just part of the journey I guess, but a hard part.”

Thank you Sheila Ball for your Facebook post. When grief is still very fresh, it obviously gives strength to return to a place that opens the pain again, trusting that it’s all part of the healing process. Thus in this opening, grief provides healing and a nudge to go forward in life, walking on a new path, making new footprints.

Take a few moments and jot down some places in your memory or to a location to which you have returned. How was that for you? Perhaps healing just to be able to do it. Perhaps healing to be able to say no and know the reasons why.